Names: Freddy Grant and Burton Reynolds
Years together: 10
Occupations: Communications manager and lawyer
Freddy Grant and Burton Reynolds jokingly describe theirs as “an arranged marriage”.
Arranged, that is, by the two of them. They moved in together 10 years ago, despite barely knowing each other, but determined to make it work. “We made a decision within those first few weeks that was, ‘all right, we’re in love, let’s just do this. This is it’,” says Burt.
They met in Darwin in 2009. UK-born Freddy was backpacking around Australia and was at a party on Nightcliff beach one night. He was playing Beatles songs (almost certainly Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, remembers Burt) when he spotted his now-husband: “I was playing the ukulele on the other side of the fire, looking at Burt, thinking, ‘Oh, he’s cute, I bet he’d be a nice boyfriend’.” The feeling was mutual. “I saw him out of the corner of my eye and I certainly enjoyed his British accent and the songs he was playing,” says Burt. They wound up together at the end of the night.
Like Freddy, Burt was visiting Darwin and had only been in town for a few months. Neither intended settling down. They’d each recently come out to a few close friends, and were enjoying the freedoms of being in a new city and living on their own terms. Says Fred: “I think I seemed like someone that was very confident and out but it wasn’t true. It was really just because I was in Darwin and nobody knew me that I could finally be myself.”
They were inseparable after that first night. But at the end of the year, they had to return home – Freddy to Poole in the UK and Burt to Melbourne. They agreed to come out to their friends and family, and depended on each other for support along the way. “We’d call each other and tell each other how it went. It all was very emotional and very important at the time,” says Fred. “It was us against the world.”
It was particularly tough for Burt. His Malaysian family are not religious but hold traditional values and struggled to accept his sexuality. “It helped that Fred was going through the same things, understood the fear and the same sorts of feelings that I was feeling. It just so happened that Fred had a good experience with his family who were very accepting, whereas I had the opposite, and that lasted for a few years.”
After Christmas, they both returned to Darwin, but then had to formalise their relationship quickly, before Fred’s visa ran out. Fred moved in with Burt and they opened up a bank account together. The added pressure they felt thanks to their immigration dramas and Burt’s family drew them even closer. “Having all these outside people trying to break us up almost, it made us even more resilient and more like, ‘well, we’ll show you’,” says Fred.
After spending some time together in Darwin, they travelled around Asia for a couple of years, before returning to Australia and eventually settling in Melbourne. It was a career move for both, but it helped to improve their relationship with Burt’s family, who could see how committed they were.
In 2016 Fred realised that, because he was British, they could get married at the UK consulate in Melbourne, before it was legal in Australia. They wanted to do so as a protest against the same-sex marriage debate that was happening at that time. “[It was] to make the point that this is so ridiculous, every other western country has already implemented this, why are we going through this process?”
They were married in August 2016 by the British high commissioner. Even though it was a political statement, it was very personal too. “I actually think it was one of the most romantic things we ever did,” says Fred. “Standing up in front of people, announcing our love and having this group of people watching us do it. It was all very rushed and not very scripted, we did the shortest vows that you could. [I said] ‘I take you to be my husband,’ and I burst into tears. It was really, really emotional. And then that whole day we were in this little bubble together.”
Burt agrees: “Even though we weren’t getting married necessarily for a need to confirm our relationship, because we didn’t need that, the love that everyone else showed for us nevertheless did give us that high for that few months after.”
A wedding is as much for others as for the couple, says Fred. “Saying that word, ‘my husband’, and especially in Australia [at that time] it was nice when people were like, ‘Oh, your husband. Oh, you’re married. You’re gay and you’re married.’ People were really interested by it. It helped me own our relationship a bit more too, which I enjoyed.”
It also helped to cement Fred’s place within Burt’s family, especially with his father. “On our wedding day, he sent us a message that was [something like] ‘Although we have traditional values, we now accept Fred in the family’.”
It meant a lot to Fred, and that inclusion has continued. “Burt has taught me more about the value of a large, extended family, and that what you put into it, you get out of it.” Initially he wasn’t sure about being part of such a big family. “There’s so many different people that you can spend a whole week seeing different people and you still have only seen a tenth of the family.” But now he sees the positives. “As you build those relationships and get to know these people, you start to enjoy it.” Being close with Burt’s family also helps, given his own is so far away. “That is something that I always feel guilty about, living here. But at the same time, I kind of know that I wouldn’t be happy if I was in the UK probably, and my parents understand that. They love coming here too.”
One of the strengths of their relationship is that they enjoy spending much of their time together. “We hang out all the time. We have most of the same shared friends. We hang out with Burt’s family a lot and we’ll always be together. Similarly, when we go on holiday, it’s always to visit my family, and we’re always together the whole time. We don’t really do much apart,” says Fred.
Both have stressful jobs but they prioritise being together. And when they go out, they do so together. Says Burt: “I don’t feel the need to go out with my individual mates and have a night out.” Fred adds: “It’s not that whole ‘escaping the ball and chain’ thing. I never feel like that. I always want Burt to be there because I know I’ll have more fun.”
Although they occasionally argue, over the years they’ve learned to adapt to the other’s style. For instance, Fred likes to resolve things quickly, while Burt wants to be left alone. He’s learned that if he pushes it, it just makes things worse. They’re also both more able to understand the situations that stress the other one out.
Being together for 10 years has given them perspective. “That’s something lovely that happens from a long-term relationship,” says Fred. “Someone sees you for what an idiot you are and they still accept it. Some of the fights that we used to have were so ridiculous … whereas now I don’t really care.” Though he used to worry about proving he was right, now he knows “in two weeks’ time we won’t even remember it”.
One fight they’ve never had is over money, even though one earns significantly more than the other. They share a bank account, so Burt says they’ve sometimes been surprised to see other long-term couples disputing finances. “There’s not one of us squirrelling away money in a private account. We never have to talk about owing each other anything or sorting out bills.”
Shared values, spending plenty of time and growing up together are their secrets to a long-lasting relationship. Says Fred: “I do look at people that we know now, especially people that meet in their 30s and seem quite rushed to settle down because of their age, and I feel like it must be more difficult to accept each other’s quirks when you’re older. Whereas we’ve grown up with each other and learned each other’s craziness and we can handle it.”
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